raw and transparent thoughts from 3am

As most of the world is sleeping, I am consumed in thoughts at 3am...thoughts that have plagued my mind for the last week or so keeping me up at night. I'd like to blame the caffeine, but this goes beyond caffeine. Luckily, I'm not working yet this week, so I can try and sleep in. I wanted to share with the blogger world(and facebook) the thoughts on my heart because I'm sure many other's have felt this way too, and just don't express it...So, where do I start(bear with me, this will be long, but please try to read it all) I've been back from Brazil for a few months now(a shock to some of you) and I saw some pretty horrific things in Brazil. I mean children on the streets in prostitution simply because they have no family or their family sold them into prostitution. Women and men(some only 18) selling their bodies every night, sometimes 10 times a night because they think thats all their worth, they have no value for their lives, no dream or vision. Men and women living in the streets, homeless, because that's what they think they deserve. Then there was the favela's, my favorite place, but still full of poverty. The pictures of poverty I've seen, I can't even put into words, but let's face it, it's not just in Brazil, it's in the United States too...it's all over the world...scary fact, just recently an undercover underage pornography ring was broken up(and by underage, I mean children 12 and younger) and 80% of the people involved were from the United States! And there is poverty all around us in the United States too, mother's struggling to put food on the table, elderly hanging on for life because they can't visit a doctor(YES I know there are systems to help here in the US, but all systems have flaws)...and what are we doing as the body of Christ to help all these people? Sometimes, especially recently, I am overwhelmed by everything around me. I just want to help everyone...but...I've realized I can't help anyone until I've come to know my identity in Christ. I need to stop worrying about how the world see's me and focus on how God see's me. But, even if I don't understand this, and actually believe it, God is still going work through me. I saw a lot of this while I was in Brazil, I could be completely doubting God and if He's even there, but praying for a man, and he's completely healed! Because, God works all things for His glory! And even amidst my doubt and frustration, God was still going to work! The thing I've been struggling with the last week or so is, how can God love me when I am such a sinful person(things I can't even confess in this blog) BUT...that sin is NOT what defines me! And I am drenched in grace (thanks Jamie for the reminder!) This means that NO MATTER WHAT I do, God is still chasing after me!! He wants me to be free...you see sin is what ties us down, puts us in bondage, makes us feel like God shouldn't love us, but that's a lie from Hell, and the enemy(the devil) wants us to believe that we are filthy, consumed by sin, and God will never love us, the devil is the master of all lies, and his sole purpose is to bring us away from God. But, what I've learned in the last week(although I think God has been trying to tell me this for a while, so I better remember it) is that God will leave the 99 to save the 1...God came for the sick, not the healthy...God will do ANYTHING(yes that means keeping me up every night until 2:00am) to try and draw us to a closer relationship with Him. I've learned that I will never understand God's mysteries(thats Biblical, look it up, God is a mysterious God) and that God is appalled at the lack of true love in this world just as much as I am, if not more! So, I think I'm finishing this(for now) but what I know is God loves me, and no matter what kind of day I'm having, or what's going on in my life God still loves me, and I need to demonstrate and show that love to EVERYONE around me(sometimes in actions and not even using words)! So hopefully now I can sleep...(please leave me a comment, or message me if you read this, or if you have any questions, or prayer requests)